Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years — so we’re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions about money here. (It’s anonymous!)
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### Dear Pay Dirt,
We just had a big wedding and our baby’s first birthday celebration. It was great to do a big party with friends. I’m struggling, though, because I’m surprised at how little our guests gave, and I’m feeling guilty about that.
Generally, I’ve always heard you give $100 to $125 per person, particularly if you’re drinking and eating (we had an open bar). However, many people we consider good friends gave much less. A few didn’t give at all.
Getting about $100 each would’ve covered the cost of each person at the wedding. Of course, if they didn’t have the money, we’d understand, but many of them are very financially comfortable.
I know it’s in the past now. But how do I not let this frustration and sadness color my friendships with these people? I know it’s not the point of the party, but it’s also hard not to feel like the celebration we threw was a bit underappreciated.
— Blue About the Wedding
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### Dear Blue About the Wedding,
I am not a wedding planner, but this is the first I’ve heard of anyone being obligated to pay to attend a wedding, much less pay an amount equivalent to a meal at a three-star Michelin restaurant.
The point of a wedding is that your loved ones can celebrate with you, not that they can subsidize a very expensive party you want to throw for yourself and, in your own words, feel “appreciative” of it.
It’s not uncommon for people to give wedding presents (though that is not required either, to be clear). But even then, your price range — $300 per couple at the high end — seems extremely high to me. And I live in New York City, where everything is more expensive than virtually everywhere else in the country.
I also got married here, in a lovely venue, and had a sit-down dinner and open bar, which, as you note, is not cheap. But it never occurred to me for one second that my friends should be paying for it.
So, consider the possibility that your friends did their part, which is to show up to the wedding—at your convenience and not theirs—and celebrate your marriage with you. They already likely had to take time out of their schedules, in some cases travel and/or arrange and pay for child care, and I’m sure many of them did give you gifts.
I’m afraid the only person here who’s being unappreciative in an inappropriate way is you.
Weddings can be very expensive, but that is a choice. They don’t have to be. I know plenty of people who had small ceremonies in their backyards, with potluck dinners and flowers plucked from the local deli stand. They were just as meaningful as the fancier weddings I’ve attended at glamorous locations that were epic, multi-day affairs.
It doesn’t matter which option you choose, but it’s your responsibility to pay for your party, and no one else’s.
— Elizabeth Spiers
*From: I’m Frustrated My Friends Didn’t Get Me More Expensive Wedding Gifts. (June 16, 2022.)*
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### Dear Pay Dirt,
My current job compensation includes a base salary, a very small percentage of the business I bring in, and profit-sharing. The idea is that as the company grows, profits increase and my piece of the pie gets bigger. So, along with several of my coworkers, I’m a part-owner.
The people directly benefiting from this model are my bosses, who each bring home about 10 times per month what I do in profits. If I get $2,000, they’re bringing home $20,000.
But one of my clients is actively headhunting me. I know passive income is an important part of building wealth and am reluctant to leave profit-sharing behind for only a salary.
The comp at both jobs would be similar and my career path would likely be very different if I made this move. It’s an emerging industry that’s not going anywhere — think renewable energy versus what I do now (general consulting). I know my compensation will steadily increase over the years where I am, and there’s a ton of flexibility.
A new job brings new, different, and interesting opportunities. I am torn. What are the things I should consider when switching jobs?
— Working For the Man
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### Dear Working For the Man,
I think you’ve thought a lot about this and it’s hard to make a decision because, in the end, you have two paths to take. Each path is different and could revolve around a substantial payout.
At this time in your life, I’m wondering what you value more. I love the idea of flexibility — for personal reasons — but I’m also a firm believer that everyone should be able to have it. Life can change in the blink of an eye and you may need to alter your work schedule to fit a situation that came up.
I’m worried, however, that your stake in the company may not be enough for you to eventually bring home the profit you crave or deserve. I think it’s unfair that you’re getting $2,000 and your bosses are pocketing $20,000. As you said, in the long run staying in this position may line your bosses’ pockets more than it does yours.
Challenging yourself on a new career path could also open new avenues and ways to grow. Growth in your career is very important because your experience is what you’ll need to negotiate your salary in the future.
You can always have a talk with your boss about your current compensation and what they can do to meet you in the middle. If you’re bringing a lot of money in, they aren’t going to want to let you go. If they come back empty-handed, it’s time to jump ship.
— Athena Valentine
*From: A Year Ago, I Received a Large Sum of Cash. I’m Mortified About Where It’s All Gone. (June 21, 2022.)*
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### More Money Advice From Slate
My husband and I have been together for 23 years. We met at a startup and he found a clever way to start the business he still runs today. Not long after, I joined the company where we worked together for almost 15 years.
The problem is, outside a handful of good years, the business is a zombie. It produces a very modest income and despite general plans for a future payout, there is no measurable progress. I am fed up and exhausted from being the breadwinner.
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https://slate.com/advice/2025/11/money-advice-wedding-gift-disappointment.html?via=rss