The kids are grown. In theory, the parents’ job is done. But for many parents, the anxiety regarding their children’s well-being continues. Though there are shelves full of books on parenting young children and teens, there is a relative dearth of advice for this stage, which occurs between finishing traditional school and having a career or their own family life. Despite having much less power to influence adult children, parents still hope their children will land that ideal job, find a healthy partner, avoid major disappointments, and live a better life than the parents themselves did. Parents hope to protect their grown children from the vagaries of unfairness in the world. Parents may blame themselves for whatever vulnerabilities their children have. The limited parenting role may be frustrating when parents wish, under the best of circumstances, for more opportunities to help their children. Despite this wish, increasing parent participation undermines the most important task of this age-to experience life, directly learning lessons for oneself. This lack of control for parents can lead to significant distress and a sense of loss during the young adult stage of parenting. Even with best best-case scenarios, there is still parental uncertainty and young adult missteps. How much should a reasonable parent do? 7 Strategies for Parental Coping as Children Reach Adulthood Manage parental anxiety Having less control may lead to more anxiety. Parents are no longer privy to information about how their children are doing. The days of obsessively checking the school website to get minute-by-minute accountings of their children’s assignments and grades are over. There are no calls from other parents to give the inside scoop about what is going on in the child’s friend network. There are few, if any, opportunities to view a child’s interactions directly. On the bright side, this lack of information can provide enormous freedom. A burden has been lifted, even if it leaves a void. The best advice may be to practice living with less information and remember that having the information would not necessarily be useful at this age. After all, when young adults are living on their own, does knowing their bedtime actually make the parents sleep better at night? Trust development By this age, the young adult has learned, to the best of their abilities, the lessons taught to them. Sure, they will make mistakes, but most of these errors will have some remedy. And mistakes provide learning opportunities. It is much harder to trust development when launching children who are truly not ready yet. There is a population of young adults who may never be due to medical or cognitive disabilities. In those cases, it is essential to put other external supports in place that help bridge the gap between complete reliance on parents and complete independence. Shift parental thinking Part of the difficulty in this stage is the feeling of losing parental control and still being in the role of parent. How the parent thinks about it can make an enormous differenceçmoving from a concept of loss to the idea of creating opportunities for new challenges outside the life as a parent or reimagining what being a parent means. Shifting from “holding on tightly” to “this is the way it is supposed to go, and I have done my job well if they are almost ready” can make a big difference. Let them and let me In the Mel Robbins book The Let Them Theory (2024), Robbins advises focusing on what can be controlled and shifting away from what can’t. “Let them” in this context might mean: “Let your child choose their own path. Let them have their own feelings. Let them make their own choices without inspiring guilt. Let them take the risks, within reason, about what to study and where to live.” There’s also a separate side, the “let me” side. “Let me enjoy what I can with my child. Let me make new choices and choose new paths. Finally, let me appreciate the ways my children are different from me, let me appreciate who they are, and let me learn from them.” Model what you would want them to do Most children learn Recognize that there is no way to shield children from disappointment Young adults are going to make a boatload of mistakes, meet a ton of adversity, and manage lots of disappointment. No matter how carefully crafted the parenting plan is, no one can shield kids from those challenges. Radical acceptance, the practice of accepting reality as it is, an important concept from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) (Linehan and Wilks, 2015), will help parents tolerate their children’s difficulties. Skip “I told you so” When do young adult children need parents the most? Is it when they are performing to the accolades of those around them? Sure, you will be there for the joys and celebrations, and your children will appreciate it. But is this when they need their parents the most? No. They need their parents when they are alone; when they have messed up, and they know it, and it might affect their chances for a job or school; when they have lost an important relationship, regardless of who broke it off or whose fault it is; and when their world hasn’t been kind. They need to know parents will be there for the rainy moments. There are so many uncertainties in parenting, and they do not disappear when children hit age 18. Parenting through this transitional age has its challenges and rewards. Launching and allowing for experiential learning are so important. If the young adult keeps coming back, and their parents meet the moment, those uncertain times will be OK.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/aligning-for-growth/202511/the-challenge-of-parenting-young-adults